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M oan as we might about winter weather, I believe British spirits secretly soar with each slump of the mercury. Admit it: much though we love to bathe in its rays drinking cider, complaining about the heat and turning quietly lobster-coloured, sunshine doesn't sit well with us. But with the barbecue full of rainwater and the soft fruit safely in the freezer, we can finally throw off the shackles of Greek yoghurt, renounce exotic smoothies, and return thankfully to the scenes of our greatest culinary achievements: the breakfast table.

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Illustration by Catherine Soule. Come on, you know you've tried it. If you have a penis, a mouth, 15 spare minutes, and even an iota of curiosity, you've tried to see just how close you can get your face to that pesky little pecker you carry around in your pants.

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The maneuver was allegedly popularized at Brigham Young University, a Mormon institution famous for insisting its students abide by church-dictated chastity. I was 21; she was She was Presbyterian, but the attachment to her virginity had more to do with not wanting to displease her father than the religious aspect of it.

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The ones that do don't brag about it! Lift your head up if necessary to get closer. Just let your muscles stretch.

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